Well, it is almost the end of my second week back at school. I'm not certain if it has gone by quickly or slowly. Individual days seem long, but overall it doesn't feel like I've been here for two weeks. My schoolwork is beginning in earnest now. Relaxed hang out time is over. It is time for the real work to begin.
On Tuesday afternoon I attended my first counseling appointment. I was nervous going in, but it honestly wasn't as bad as I had expected. I was uncomfortable, certainly, but I felt less so as the hour went on. The session was largely devoted to a general questionnaire about my life and the issues that brought me in for counseling in the first place. Most of these were boring and simplistic. However, I found that I had difficulty talking about myself, particularly in describing the way that I feel when my anxiety over schoolwork kicks in. I repeatedly felt like my explanations were under- or over-estimating the way I actually feel and didn't accurately portray my struggles. In the end, I think I expressed what I needed to in a reasonable way. Things will definitely smooth out over subsequent sessions. I did leave with homework though. In order to start reducing my anxiety, I am supposed to go on 20 minute walks twice a week and spend time relaxing with my friends at least three nights a week.
At first these goals sound simple. The first one is. The distance from my apartment to anything else on campus allows for a good bit of walking on a daily basis. The second one appears simple, but even in these few days since my appointment I am discovering how my anxiety can get in the way. Since I live so far away, I like to have all of my stuff with me so I can stay in one place for most of the evening.
For example, tonight I took my things to dinner and then spent time at the guys' apartment. I was having a good time there until I tried to start doing my work. I have a difficult time focusing and particularly writing when there is background noise, chatter, and music. I sat and completed my reading without too much trouble, but when it came time to write I was stymied. I looked from my blank Word document to the journal article I was reading to the clock on my computer and back. Suddenly, I was struck by the lateness of the hour and the condition of my assignment. The hour wasn't actually particularly late and the assignment wasn't overly long or difficult to complete, but in that moment I was aware of the amount of time I had "wasted." Had I spent the same amount of time working on the assignment elsewhere, I would have been more productive, possibly even finished. Invigorated by this realization, I returned to my work, determined to get my assignment done. I looked at the article. I looked at my Word document. I racked my brain for ideas. With the newfound stress I acquired by looking at the clock, every word, every note seemed louder, more disruptive. As soon as I drafted an idea in my head, it slipped through my fingers. It was as if all of the noise around me became radio static in the part of my brain that puts words together into sentences.
I had to leave. I didn't have any other choice. As much as I like being with my friends, I couldn't do work at their apartment. Not tonight at least. I wanted to be social. I wanted to be involved. Unfortunately, it is impolite to request complete silence when you are a guest in someone else's space. If I had stayed, I would have banged my head against my assignment for who knows how long, making mediocre progress and feeling more stressed by the moment. And this assignment isn't even due until Friday night.
When I went home, I relaxed. The quiet and solitude of my own space calmed my mind and I went back to work. Half an hour later, I was done. I found a solution, but it isn't one I like. I don't want to be alone all the time. I want to find a way to combine my work with my friendships and to do both due diligence. Maybe in time, as I work on my anxieties, I can find a more agreeable solution.
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