Day 8: Church

These last few days have been a strange mixture of busy and not-busy. Few things of substance have happened, but the days have seemed full. I'm not sure if that is a good thing. My hope that this will be a lighter semester than my previous one is holding up so far. I'm enjoying my alternating schedule with no classes on Tuesday or Thursday. It gives me a nice amount of downtime during the week when I can relax, do homework, or schedule Skype calls.

Yesterday morning I went to church for the first time this semester. I was tempted to sleep in instead of going, but Megan and Devon encouraged me to accompany them. I can't remember the last time I felt totally comfortable in church. Certainly it was before I came to college. I've visited a handful of churches here in Newberg and I've yet to find one that "clicks" with me. Whenever I go to church, I feel like a trespasser. I feel as if the people there can tell that I'm a stranger and that I don't belong. This is harder for me when well-meaning churchgoers zero in on me and "welcome" me. In these situations, I don't feel welcome; I feel singled out.

I'd like to find a church to regularly attend, but I'm not sure where to turn or even what I want. I don't want a church like my family's home church. I've grown away from it and the things that it values. I don't belong to a denomination so I can't just find a church based on its label and jump in. Right now, I'm lost. Church is important to me, but I've had enough bad experiences with it that I am discouraged from searching out a new one to attend. I know it takes time to acclimate to see if a church is a good fit, but it isn't easy for me to make that investment, particularly when I feel uncomfortable. I'm not sure what I'm going to do just yet.

My first counseling appointment is set for tomorrow (1/22) at 1 PM. So far I've been succeeding at not thinking about it, but now I'm getting a little nervous. It seems silly to say that I'm nervous about going to get help, but it is true. Getting help isn't easy. Fortunately, I get to Skype with Jessie afterward. That makes me feel better.